How I Came Out and Left My Church

This article is part of a series of posts about my experience coming to, being in and leaving the Christadelphian Church and how my faith has grown, developed and evolved since. Whilst I no longer consider myself Christadelphian or aligned to a Christadelphian worldview, it is important to note that these articles are an expression of my personal journey and experience and not from a place of animosity or ill-will to any Christadelphian or the community at large. I have high respect for the commitment Christadelphians have to their faith and am very grateful to those in the community who have had a positive impact on my life and to the many Christadelphians who have been, are and always will be my friends.

Coming out is is one of the hardest things any LGBTQI+ person goes through, if they get to that point. For those in non-affirming environments, coming out is even harder. In 2017, I came out to my family and close friends. In 2018, I came out to my Christadelphian church. I wrote a letter, sent it in and left my church on the same day.

As I’ve shared in previous posts, the Christadelphians are a small, fundamentalist Christian sect. Christadelphians interpret the bible literally and believe they have rediscovered ‘the truth’. Christadelphians are a non-affirming community, meaning they do not affirm same-sex attration or relationships.

In 2018, the Association of Australian Christadelphian Ecclesias published a discussion paper on Homosexual Behaviour and Same-Sex Marriage. In the paper they wrote:

‘It is often argued that homosexuality is genetic: a person is born that way. There is now considerable evidence that genes play a role in the development of our behavioural and personality characteristics, including sexual orientation. The fact that there is a genetic element is used as a reason why we cannot or should not attempt to change sexual orientation or expect homosexuals to abstain from homosexual behaviour. But, the fact is, that many common psychological and behavioural conditions are as much or more so a product of our genes (e.g. anxiety disorder, ADHD, dyslexia, addictions) and we do try, often successfully, to ameliorate the effects of these disorders. Therefore, we cannot justify ungodly behaviour on the basis of our genes.’

Research has consistently demonstrated that change and supression tactics, better know as ‘conversion therapy’, do not change a person’s sexual orientation and often leads to damaging psychological outcomes (see: Conversion Therapy Research – The Trevor Project). This paper by the AACE promotes, or at the least implies, that conversion practices are a viable option for people with same-sex attraction and that same-sex attraction is able to be overcome. It also incorrectly conflates, confuses and stigmatises both sexuality and mental health, leaving some serious questions about the AACE’s attitude to mental health.

Recently, the Australian Christadelphians passed the following motion regarding same-sex marraige:

4.1 “That this 2020 Australian Christadelphian Conference at Adelaide reaffirms the Christadelphian position, based on God’s word, the Bible (including Genesis 1:27 and 2:21-24), that marriage is only the union of a man and a woman.”
4.2 “That the Association of Australian Christadelphian Ecclesias (AACE) as Secretary sends a copy of the foregoing resolution 4.1 above to the Prime Minister, together with a covering letter expressing appreciation of the consideration given to our position, and seeking continuance of the Government’s sympathetic attention to the right of our marriage celebrants to marry in accordance with our beliefs.”

When I came out to my church, I had been in a relationship for a year and had come out to my family and some close friends. In effect, I had kept my sexuality and relationship secret from my church which was having really negative consequences on my mental health. During that year, Australia had legalised same-sex marriage after a public postal survey which invited significant campaigning and investment from both the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ sides. Discussion within my church and the community was generally characterised by homophobic, uninformed, vociferous and hurtful rhetoric. Despite Christadelphians being ardent conscientious objectors to voting and participation in politics, many made it known they would break rank and vote in the survey so the ‘no’ vote would prevail. I was left with no doubt that the Christadelphian community was not a safe place for me to be around and any hope I had that they may change their minds was lost.

Scared, traumatised and exhausted, on 28th March 2018, I sent a letter to the Arranging Brothers (equivalent to Elders) of the Christadelphian Church where I was an active member. I later sent the letter in an e-mail to a number of close friends. I have made slight edits to not disclose the identity of individuals or people involved.

My Coming Out Letter

To the Arranging Brothers,

I write to inform you that I will be stepping back from my formal involvement at [church name] and the Christadelphian Community.  This decision is one of the hardest in my life. I do this with the knowledge that I will cause a large stumbling block to others if I am to remain involved.  In light of this, I have decided to take ownership of this process and be as open and transparent to you as possible.

For years I have known I am bisexual and tried very hard to supress my same-sex attraction.  For years I prayed for God to change me and he clearly hasn’t.  This has contributed to serious mental health issues, the repercussions of which I am still dealing with today.  I am now at a place of happiness and contentment in my life I haven’t known in years.

I have been in a relationship for the past year with my boyfriend [name].  On May 5^th we will be attending [person 1] and [person 2] engagement party.  [person 1] is one of my best friends and being at the party is extremely important to me.  Due to a large number of Christadelphians expected at the event, I have no choice but to be honest about my relationship and as a result, subsequently step back from the Christadelphian Community.  For the past year, I have lied to Christadelphians about my relationship from fear of people’s reactions and judgement.  This has been an extremely painful and difficult thing to do. 

Due to the prevalent negative attitude at [church name] toward people with a non-heterosexual sexual orientation, I have concluded that being actively involved is no longer an option I can safely pursue.  Whilst many Christian communities have chosen the theologically affirming route or have allowed individuals to exercise their conscience on this topic, at large, ours has not.

I am very aware of the time people have spent with me.  Knowing they will be most affected hurts me to a degree I cannot explain.  To these people, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.  I particularly want them to know this was one of the hardest parts of the decision to step back and as a result, I have delayed it for as long as I could.  This is something I’m seriously struggling with and will be for a very, very long time.

I request that my stepping back not be announced to the Ecclesia* and that this letter not be minuted.  This is consistent with the strict privacy I have requested in the past which is very important to me.  I ask this to lessen the mental stress I’m currently going through.  I‘m aware that ‘word will get out’ due to the efficient spread of information in the community and people will make their ‘representations’ known in due course, hoping this will happen when I am more prepared to manage it.

I want to state that there are numerous LGBT people in [my church name] and the broader Christadelphian community.  LGBT people are 3 times more likely to have depression and anxiety than the general population and are 5 times more likely to commit suicide.  This is no accident.  LGBT Christians live with the fear of losing their family and friends for being who they are and for something they can’t and God won’t change.  Attitudes matter.  Every time a comment is made from the lectern, in ecclesial discussions or at the dinner table, someone is listening.  Impacts on mental health and wellbeing are very real and LGBT people deserve as much love, respect and pastoral care as everyone else.

If you have any questions, just ask.  I’m hiding nothing and I’m not using this as an excuse to leave – I don’t want to however feel as if I have no choice both for myself and for [church name]. 

Please continue to care for the young people, foster an Ecclesial culture which does so and reconnect with those who have left – they are the best group of people I know whose love and passion for Christ is second to none.  They are the Ecclesia, region and communities best asset.

Thank you for taking me under you wing over the past 4 years.  Know that I love Jesus, value my baptism and have a strong relationship with God.  I will be attending other churches as I can and constantly searching the Bible for God’s truth which I still believe is firmly grounded in the first principles of the Christadelphians.  This is not me walking away from God – We have a strong bond and he has always been there when I’ve needed him.  I will forever carry what I have learnt in my time here – Christadelphia is where I came to properly know God and will always be grateful for this.

I would like to end with a thank-you for the amazing work you do as leaders of [church name].  It is a brilliant place with many of the best people I have ever met.  It isn’t something I would walk away from if I had a real choice.

I hope to see you all in the Kingdom but if I’m really honest, I hope and pray that one day, I can join in fellowship with you all again.

Despite my heavy heart, I leave this note to you with all the love I have come to know in Jesus Christ.

Your Brother,
Nathan Linton

*ecclesia is a greek work used in the New Testament which means ‘assembly’. ‘Ecclestia’ is typically translated as ‘church’ in modern english bibles.

Reflections

It’s been a few years since I sent in my letter. It’s still really difficult to read and process. At the time I was sad and angry. I could have very easily written a letter to match those emotions, but I decided not to. In the end, nothing was going to make the process easier so I felt the best thing was to educate and extend the same grace and love God had shown me.

I often wonder whether sending a letter was the right way to come out and leave. I felt the only options were to (1) go away quietly and for people to slowly find out or (2) to make an announcement and wait to be disfellowshipped (what Christadelphians call excommunication). If I went away quietly, I knew I’d get messages and phone calls asking where I was, because people did genuinely care. But I didn’t want to relive the pain and repeat the story again and again. On the other hand, I was so exhausted from debates about the Bible and doctrine (see the post ‘Chapter & Verse‘) that I knew defending my position was going to be painful and fruitless. Whatever I chose, gossip, exclusion and judgement were likely to follow. It felt important for me to own the process and have as much control over it as possible. A letter meant everyone had the same information, it was more personal and it wouldn’t cause a debate about sexuality which would only cause further harm to other LGBT+ people in the community and their friends and family.

I received a number of responses to the letter, which I will detail in a later post. Many extremely nice, some absolutely horrifying. I was relieved I’d sent it and glad I could finally live openly and move onto the next stage of my life and faith journey. Once thing I did feel was an enourmous sense of loss. I lost contact with many people I considered friends. Many shared their opinions on how I went about it. Rumours were spread, others never reached out and others made sure I was supported. Above all, I cried a lot. Sometimes it was a cry of relief. Other times, it was a cry of despair. I felt a deep sense of hurt and pain and despite my resilience, my mental health was suffering. Despite this, I felt God at my side, leading me to a fuller life and a richer more enduring faith.

Some may wonder why I’m making this public now. The short answer is that it feels like the right time. I’m in a really great place right now with my life and faith. I want to set the record straight for those who’ve heard any rumours and I want to model transparency – something often lacking in the Christadelphian community. Most of all, I want to show other LGBT+ Christadelphians and Christians that whilst the journey’s tough, it does get better and there really is light at the end of the tunnel from guilt, shame and self-denial. I want every LGBT+ Christadelphian to know that if they ever need any support or someone who ‘gets it’, I’ll do what I can to walk beside you – you can always contact me here. There are many Christadelphians (albeit a minority) who are incredibly affirming but because of the culture and consequences, can’t always speak up. I want give them the confidence and courage to start and sustain, and in many places continue the conversation so that one day, LGBT+ brothers and sisters can be seen as beautiful and whole and treated with the respect and dignity not currently extended to them. For those who disagree with me, that’s Okay. If you’re someone who feels compelled to send me a nasty e-mail or message, know you won’t be the first Christadelphian to do so. I’ll just keep turning the other cheeck and watch as you get tired and make yourself look like a fool. God’s love for LGBT+ people is immeasurably greater than the voices of non-affirming Christadelphians, Christians or anyone else for that matter.

To close, I’ll share some of my favourite quotes from Paul to give hope to all those out there struggling. Please know that God loves you.

There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3:28)

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

See Also

• Chapter and Verse – Also part of my series on ‘The Christadelphians’
• In the Truth But of the World – Also part of my series on ‘The Christadelphians’
• Online Church Resources

Further Resources

Note: To help cover the costs of running this website, links marked with an (*) contain affiliate links. That means if you choose to make a purchase after clicking the link, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Thank you for your understanding and support – Nathan 🙂

• * God and the Gay Christian – Matthew Vines
• * Unclobber: Rethinking Our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality – Colby Martin
• The Reformation Project – US-based organisation, The Reformation Project’s mission is to advance LGBTQ inclusion in the church.
• Almost Heretical – Episode 65: LGBTQ – The so-called Divine Ideal (Part 1) – Nate Hanson & Tim Ritter
• Almost Heretical Episode 66: LGBTQ – Why Do People Marry? (Part 2) – Nate Hanson & Tim Ritter